Everyone who has ever been divorced knows there are rules about the opposite ex. Okay, they may not be "rules" exactly but they are at least culturally accepted norms, unspoken guidelines really for how one is expected to behave in such a situation.
Regardless if you are the "dumper" or the "dump-ee" in the relationship, you automatically understand there will be a predictable response from both sides. As the "dumper", you can expect your friends to support you and agree that you deserve better, he (or she) wasn't good enough, didn't treat you well enough, lied, cheated, had bad breath, poor personal hygiene, whatever. Your reasons will certainly be sound and supported. You will also understand that you will be seen as an insensitive selfish ass by the other side, at least for a while. Hey, what do you expect? Nobody likes getting dumped.
As the "dump-ee" you can expect your friends to support you as well and agree that the aforementioned insensitive selfish ass doesn't know what he (or she) has just given up, they were clearly not good enough for you and, rest assured, your real love is still out there just waiting. The "dump-ee" will often also be the recipient of a six pack, a gallon of ice cream (or both!), and/ or a girls (or guys) night out for cheering up purposes. They may also help you burn pictures and personal belongings of your now ex. There will also be lots of heads tilted to the side as dump-ee supporters sympathetically touch your arm and say things like, "I'm so sorry." and "Are you okay?".
Once the initial break up period has passed a new set of ex rules come into play. The question now becomes how do I deal with my ex? There are several options here. As the dump-ee you may decide to go the traditional hit man route, though I really don't recommend it. Defense attorney fees are quite expensive. Don't believe me? Just refer to my earlier blog entitled, "The New Public Enemy Number One". You could always just move to another town, state or country to avoid the awkward run-in at the local 7-11. That isn't always the easiest to do, what with jobs, families and the cost of moving and all, but it is one option. It worked flawlessly for my brother who moved back to the United States from Germany and has never so much as heard my former sister-in-laws' name again. In his case, problem solved! What made it easy for my brother, however, is that they never had children. No kids makes it much easier to cut ties. Sharing children means that you are now biologically tied to this person who now makes you want to spit gum in their hair every time you see them. On a personal note, I have found that sharing children sometimes intensifies the feelings of disdain, disgust, annoyance and general loathing.
Unless your ex has moved to the moon and no longer cares to see your children, chances are you are going to have to deal with them and, lets face it, you probably won't enjoy it. We have all heard the rumors about the ex's who remained friends. Perhaps they do exist, but really, nobody likes them anyway because they make the rest of us look bad. If you are are still friends with your ex, you are either a far better person than I, or you are delusional and don't realize that your ex really hates you and probably makes fun of you when you aren't around. If you really are still friends with your ex..... well, I don't know what to tell you. You are clearly someone I don't understand and we won't be sharing nachos anytime soon anyway so good luck with your friendship.
If you are not friends with your ex (or you are deluding yourself into believing you are even though people have been trying to tell you you're not - you know who you are) here are some guidelines you should follow to simplify my life..... er.... your life. First, you're no longer married so stop calling your ex for advice. I don't care if your checking account is overdrawn, you had a fight with your new significant other, your computer crashed or you can't find your car at the mall. Not my spouse also means not my problem. This may sound harsh but it's really tough love. If you are the ex calling the other 9000 times a day for every stupid reason under the sun, you are making yourself look needy and overly dependent. Put on your big girl (or guy) panties and take care of yourself! Nobody likes a 41 year old toddler!
Second, do not fool yourself into believing you are now BFF's with your ex's new girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife. You're not. They are being civil to you because it is the polite thing to do and it's what is best for the children involved. You are only annoying the living crap out of them and at some point they may tell you just that. Avoid the uncomfortable conversation and understand the boundaries of your relationship.
Third, under NO circumstances should you discuss your sex life with your ex or their significant other. It's icky, inappropriate and a recipe for you to be told to shut the hell up while the other party runs screaming, fingers plugging their ears. Also, at no time should the phrase "Mommy got the cobwebs cleaned out" be spoken to your children. Seriously, Hurricane D.- totally off the charts. Thank God for child therapists!
Finally, do not ask your ex' significant other to fix you up with anyone, especially not one of their ex's. I was approached recently by the hurricane and informed that she found my ex-husband to be "really good looking" and questioned me as to his current relationship status. Boundaries? We don't need no stinkin' boundaries!
When I informed her that he had a girlfriend her response was, "Well, that takes care of that.". Really? The girlfriend was the fly in that ointment????
While I must admit the rules I have been discussing are really aimed at one particular boil on the buttock of humanity , I would venture to say they may apply to other ex's as well. As the boil I must deal with increases in size and annoyance, more rules may need to be added. After all, I'm sure they will be needed.
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