Madame, you are no Fran Brown

Growing up, my sisters and I were raised Catholic. More specifically, Irish Catholic. We have all heard the stereotype about Jewish mothers and their impressive ability to use guilt on their children, but I would stack my mother against any other mother any day of the week. For the last fifteen years of her life, my mother was on dialysis three times a week for three hours a day. For the last fifteen years of her life, my mother would also routinely threaten us with, "Fine, I'll just go off dialysis and die. Then none of you have to listen to my opinion about anything." Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly and miss her terribly, but growing up under the rule of Irish Catholic guilt was tough.
Looking back, however I have come to the realization that between Catholic school and Irish Catholic guilt, good values were permanently emblazoned into every corner of our mushy little minds. Being honest, standing up for others, always finding ways to help other people and, my mother's personal favorite; don't ever be greedy, were all reinforced on a daily basis. My mother took that last one really seriously. She didn't just talk the talk, either. We grew up volunteering in soup kitchens and a local homeless shelter. My mother would often give money she didn't have to people she felt needed it more than she. As a public school teacher, my mother would often have students in need. It was not uncommon for her to anonymously provide school supplies, a coat, mittens or even Christmas gifts for her students. She truly believed that you teach children by example, and we couldn't have had a better example to follow.
Not surprisingly as a mother and stepmother, it is tremendously important to me that my children grow up with similar values. It moves me deeply, nearly to tears at times, when I "catch" one of my children giving of themselves to help someone else. They are teenagers, so it doesn't happen all the time, but overhearing little things like my son offering to carry things to the car for an elderly friend of the family or my stepdaughter trying hard to ease the emotional pain of a friend help to remind me that we are on the right path.
There are also times that I am reminded just how important teaching by example really is. Hurricane Dawn stands in stark contrast to my mother. Yes, yes, I'm aware that nobody will ever compare to ones own mother, especially a recently departed mother at that. I'm certainly not trying to nominate my mother for canonization either, but I'm  pretty sure I'm not alone in my disgust of the greed demonstrated by Dawn on a near daily basis. Perhaps some examples would help make my point.
A few days before the first Mother's Day Brian and I were together, I was picking the kids up from Dawn's house. While I always just wait in the car for the kids to come out, there was no avoiding the hurricane that day. She came half running down the path, waving her arms to be sure I didn't miss her. Not likely. I rolled down the window and she breathlessly leaned in, making my car smell of cigarette smoke.
"Can you remind Brian that this Sunday is Mother's Day and I expect a good gift. I'd like a gift card to Best Buy." she said.
For a moment I was silent, thinking surly she must be kidding. Who says things like that?  Finally I realized she was dead serious. I quickly worked to uncurl my lip which had curled from both the smell of cigarette smoke and annoyance. "Oh, is that how this ex-wife thing works? You just place your gift orders?" I said, trying to hide the disdain in my voice. Clearly missing my sarcasm, she simply smiled and responded with an exuberant, "Yep.".  My grandmother had a name for that kind of blatant selfishness: Greedy Guts.
Need another example? Okay. Several weeks ago, Dawn called to inform us that someone from her job had approached her about holding a benefit to raise money to help offset Nicholas' ever increasing medical bills. While he is covered under my husband's health insurance, the co-pays are now adding up to thousands of dollars. "I don't know, Dawn. Let me talk to Brian about it." I said. While I was raised to give whatever help I can to others, I have always felt extremely uncomfortable accepting it. This wasn't my call, though, so I discussed it with Brian. As it turned out, he has the same problem. As frequently happens in our life, other things came up and the issue was forgotten...... by us, that is. Last week, Dawn once again stopped me as I was picking up the kids from her house. "Brian never got back to me about the benefit but the woman has now said they would like to have one for me, too, so I'm going to tell her it's fine." she said.
"For you?" I said. "Ummm.... why?" I couldn't wait to hear this.
"Well she said that I do so much for everyone else all the time and Nick's cancer has been such a financial hardship on me that they would love to be able to help me out." she said, sounding almost pleased with herself.
Now I would have no problem with this whatsoever, except for two facts. One, I have never known of (or even heard of) Dawn doing anything for anyone else - ever. And two, Dawn pays for nothing.... anything....ever. She doesn't pay child support. She doesn't buy any clothes, school supplies, medications, anything for the kids. It all comes from us. If a medical bill does accidentally go to her house, she races it to us at breakneck speeds. While she did miss a little time from work in June because she was sick, Nick's cancer has not caused Dawn to lose any income. Sooooo.... why are we holding a benefit for her again? Greedy guts strikes again.
Still need another example? How about the Mack daddy of greed? Brace yourself, Effie, this is a big one. I mentioned previously that Nick has qualified to participate in Make a Wish and we are going on a Disney cruise. Pretty generous of them, huh? Last week while standing in line at CVS, Nick looked at me and asked if I wanted him to ask Make a Wish to buy me a new wardrobe for the cruise. Completely confused, I asked him why he would even ask such a thing. "Well, Mom wants me to ask Make a Wish for a new wardrobe and a shopping spree at the mall for her and I didn't want to leave you out." I was absolutely stunned. This was a new low, even for Dawn. I tried to quickly regain my composure. "Nick, it's really nice that you wanted to include me but you absolutely can not ask for that. Make a Wish is granting you a wish - nobody else. They are doing so much already that to ask for any more would be very greedy," I said. He seemed a bit confused. "I felt uncomfortable about it but Mom keeps saying I should ask. I didn't know what to say," he said. I suddenly felt very sorry for him. His own mothers greed was weighing on him, as if he doesn't have enough to carry anyway. After hugging him and assuring him that he had nothing to worry about, we went home. It was hours before I could get my head around the sheer magnitude of the selfishness and greed  of this woman. To use her son's brain cancer as a way to "score" money, clothing and shopping sprees is about the lowest thing I have ever heard of. My mother would be horrified beyond words. I think even my grandmother would think Greedy Guts is much too kind a name for her.