Nobody loves you like your mama....

Today is an appropriately crummy day. It's windy and raining. Normally I love the rain because I find it so peaceful and relaxing. Today I love it because it reflects exactly how I feel; sad, overcast and like quietly curling up in my bed, hiding under the blankets and crying. Today is the second anniversary of my mother's death. I have only been awake for a few hours and I already hate today.
Since my mom passed away I have struggled with so many thoughts and feelings there are times I feel like my head will actually explode. I have obsessed over my own abilities and short comings as a mother and step-mother. I have grieved long and hard for other family members who have passed away. I have considered my own mortality and what it will someday mean for my children. I have reached near panic mode with worry about Alex's future if I should die unexpectedly. I have had to learn how to cope with missing my mother and all that "missing her" means. I have had to learn how to live with regrets. I'm failing miserably with that last one.
My biggest regrets are for the things I can't fix; the "I'm sorry" and "I love you" that can no longer be heard no matter how loud I shout it. Perhaps there is still value in saying it, though. Perhaps there is some catharsis in making the effort. I'm sad and I'm hurting and I don't know what else to do so I'll make the effort.

Dear Mom,
I miss you. I miss you every single day. There are some days I physically ache from missing you so much. I wish  I could just pick up the phone and talk to you again. There have been a million times over the last two years I have desperately needed your friendship, opinion and advice. You were always the person I went to when I didn't know what to do or if I was doing the right thing, especially when it came to Alex. I didn't realize just how much I needed and valued your opinions until they were gone. I'm so sorry for not appreciating you more. I didn't recognize how lucky I was until it was too late.
I have needed your advice on lots of things but nothing more than being a mother. I never understood how hard parenting teenagers really was. You always said we would learn one day but I was sure I would be able to handle it. How hard could it be? As it turns out, you were right;  it sucks. They act like hormonal lunatics 90% of the time!  They are messy and moody and frequently quite unpleasant to be around. They are absolutely exhausting. I would take up heavy drinking but we had to lock up all the alcohol because Brian's Alex was getting into it.
I don't know how you did it, Mom. You always just handled everything. As a kid, I never considered how hard it was to worry about me AND Mary AND Sarah AND your job AND all the bills AND your health and everything else life was always throwing at you. I guess that's the beauty of being a kid; you only have yourself to worry about. As the parent though I can't tell you the number of times I have wanted to pull my hair out in frustration. It has made me realize just how much I took you for granted and for that I am deeply sorry. I am truly in absolute awe that you made it through out teenage years without killing us or turning into an alcoholic. I just hope I can do as well as you did.
It's kind of funny thing. I never realized just how much like you I wanted to be. You always had a quiet inner strength that gave you the amazing ability to deal with whatever came your way. You handled everything with your unique blend of grace, strength, humor and piss and vinegar. I see that in myself sometimes although I think I'm a  little light on the grace and strength and a little heavy on the humor, piss and vinegar. You taught us to be good women, Mom. You always saw the best we could be and pushed us to reach that mark. You believed in us even when we didn't believe in ourselves. You loved us even when we failed and you taught us the true meaning of unconditional love. I have a tremendous amount of love in my life everyday but I miss your particular way of loving us. I guess what a friend recently said was exactly right, "Nobody loves you like your mama.". How could they?
Who else would make all the sacrifices you made for me? Thank you for always loving me, even when I was the obnoxious, know-it-all teenager. Thank you for never giving up on me. All I can do now is take the lessons and the love you have given me and never stop trying to be the person you always believed I could be. I will never stop loving and missing you, Mom. Know that you will always be in my heart.

All my love,
Kathleen